Salamat sa Gabi

Handa na ang aking puso,

sa paggiling katuwang ang mga katawang hindi pamilyar

ang hulma, ngunit ang paggalaw ng mga ito ay nakatatak na

sa aking gunita, na labis nang nananabik sa malakas na huni ng

musika na aakay sa aming mga magkakadikit na laman at pawis,

sa buong magdamag.

Ano kaya ang maiaalok ng gabi?

 

Handang-handa na ang aking puso,

habang sa wakas ay binubuksan na ang napakalaking pinto na nagaanyaya ng isang di malilimutang magdamag.

Pinuno ng magkakasabay na hagikhikan, sipol at sigaw ang nagbabadyang katahimikan, sapagkat hindi pa hinahataw ng lambing ang musika.

Ngunit ang mga hiyawan ay musika na nga kung maituturing.

Ramdam ko ang nagbabagang koneksyon na namumuo sa dilim.

Ano kaya ang maiaalok ng gabi?

 

Lumiwanag na ang aking puso,

kasabay ng mabilis ng pagbugso ng iba’t-ibang tinta ng

ilaw ng bahaghari. Hindi ko namalayan ang aking malakas na

pagsipol kasabay ng mga tila kinikilig na tili ng mga kakababaihan sa di kalayuan.

Ang lugar ay binalot ng nakabibinging dilim, pwera na lamang sa makulay na ilaw sa harapan.

Maya-maya’y pa’y nagsulputan na ang mga pulutong ng ilaw sa magkakahiwalay

na sulok at kanto ng mala-higanteng kwarto.

Nagbigay liwanag ito sa daan-daang mga pawisan at kaakit-akit na mga mukha ng iilan sa mga katawan na makakasama ko sa pagindak, ilang saglit lang.

Sabik na akong masiliyan kung ano nga ba ang maiaalok ng gabi.

 

Tumalon ang aking puso

sa paghaplos ng isang estrangherong laman sa aking buhok.

May isang pares pa ng kamay ang humihimas-himas sa ibabang parte ng aking kaliwang binti.

Hindi na ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon upang magbigay ng tugon,

sapagkat ang pinakahihintay naming saglit ng hudyat ng pagdating ng musika ay dumating na.

Matapos ang apat na nota ay nagsigalawan na ang bawat katawan, ang bawat bisig, na tila alon ang magkakaposas na indayog.

Mas lumakas pa ang musikang galing sa aming mga lalamunan, mas lumakas pa ang bawat palo ng indak habang mabilis na tumatakbo ang oras.

Ano pa ang maiaalok ng gabi?

 

Hinawakan ng malalakas na mabababang nota ang aking puso.

Bawat kalabit ng gitara ay tumutulak sa akin papalapit, at hindi ko pa namalayan

na nasa kabilang bahagi na pala akong ng silid, kasama ang mga pisngi na hindi ko naman kapilang kanina sa pagsayaw.

May mga bagong bisig ang bumabalot sa aking baywang,

At sabay kaming umindak sa galit na pag-iyak ng mga awitin.

Binigyan niya ako ng isang halik sa leeg habang hinihimas niya ang aking maikling buhok.

Mas naligaw ako sa init ng kanyang paghinga at paglaro niya sa aking likuran.

Hinarap niya ang aking mukha at mabilis na naglapat ang aming mga labi.

Ano pa ang maiaalok ng gabi?

 

Kasing-higpit ng yakap niya, ang kapit niya sa aking puso.

sa gitna ng bulungan, at tawanan ay nag-abot siya sa akin ng isang baso ng inumin.

Agad ko itong tinikman at kumalat ang mapait na lasa ng alak sa aking dila.

Inasahan ko na ang pag-init ng aking tiyan, ngunit hindi ko inantay

ang malakas na pagpalo ng inumin sa aking gunita.

Naramdaman ko ang paglaki ng aking mga mata, at ang nakababahalang pagbilis ng aking mga paggalaw.

Nananabik na akong kumawala.

Nagugustuhan ko na ang mga iniaalok ng gabi.

 

Tila nasa langit na ang aking puso.

Inalok niya ulit ako ng inumin na iyon at tinanong ko siya nang malakas kung anong klase iyong inumin.

Ngumiti siya, at sinabing hindi lang iyon basta alak .

Hindi na siya nagdagdag pa kaya hindi na rin ako nagtanong.

Naramdaman ko ang pag-iikot-ikot ng aking mga mata,

habang bumubuo ng sariling selebrasyon ang aking isipan.

Pumuputok din sa aking isipan ang iba’t-ibang kulay, sari-saring huni, sari-saring bulong na hinding-hindi  ko pa naririnig sa labas ng aking gunita.

Humingi ako sa kanya ng lima pang baso.

Sa aking huling pag-inom ay narinig ko ang pagbagsak ng isang katawan sa tabi.

Maya-maya pa’y may dumating na isang nakapapangilabot na tili.

Ito na ba ang inaalok ng gabi?

 

Handa na ang aking puso,

Habang tinitignan ko ang walang buhay na katawan niya.

Tumigil ang pagkalabog ng musika, at may mga paghikbi sa tabi.

Hawak niya ang basong pinagsasaluhan namin kanina, ilang minuto lamang ang nakakaraan.

Nanginginig na ang aking mga bisig.

Patuloy pa rin na lumulutang sa langit ang aking isip.

Dahan-dahang pumikit ang aking mga mata.

Pasuray-suray ang aking mga paa, habang papalapit sa kanya.

Bumabagal na ang tibok ng aking puso.

Dahan-dahan nang bumabagsak ang aking mga mga bisig.

Salamat sa gabi.

Salamat.

Salamat…

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REAL NEAT BLOG AWARD

Thank you Juansen for the nomination! And I’m so sorry for the late feedback. I had a myriad of academic-related things to do, and I really, really have to prioritize those, as much as I wanted to answer these right away. Anyway, I’m done with all those academic mess, although I do still have an exam to take tomorrow. After that exam though, I will finally be free. AT LAST. I’ll soon be waving hi to all the movies and TV series that are waiting to be binge-watched, and all the books that are dying to be read. And also to my guitar and pencil that are just almost a snap away to be played with.


So, here are Juansen’s 7 questions (Your questions are awesome, Juansen, btw) :

  1. What did you wish to accomplish by starting a blog?
  2. What is the story behind your domain name?
  3. What is your MBTI Personality Test Result? How does it affect you as a person?
  4. What is your meaning of life?
  5. What is your favorite memory?
  6. What is your passion?
  7. If the world suddenly paused just to listen to you—what would be your message to the world?

Here are my answers:

  1. What did you wish to accomplish by starting a blog?

My wish is just similar to what many bloggers who run a personal blog wish to accomplish, eudaimonia (personal happiness/welfare) and catharsis (purgation). To think about it, eudaimonia and catharsis might not be mutually exclusive. I often feel a certain eudaimonia every time I experience catharsis through writing. But, every catharsis for me does not always result to personal happiness. For example, I might be purged of all the worries and doubts inside after posting some entries here, but that does not necessarily make me happy. There is surely satisfaction, but I also often don’t get any pleasure from purging negativities.

What surely give me eudamonia are my interactions here with other bloggers. That might be the top thing in my mind on why I should be starting my own blog. I could always read blogs, without creating my own, but part of me wants validation, and improvement. I can only improve through constructive criticisms, and also, most importantly, experience. “Am I doing OK? Is this OK?” I was thinking then, that maybe blogging should give me answers. Feedback is very important for me, because I believe that destiny (and passion) would always slam me to work places that require public writing, and public writing demands a myriad of variety, ethical precepts, etc. I also wish to give my personal feedbacks to many other aspiring writers here, and so far, I’ve been giving a lot of positive comments to multitude blog posts, and it is because there are so many smart and quirky writers here in WordPress. I also noticed that I get inspired quickly every time I scroll down my WordPress feed. That’s how incredibly awesome people here are.

  1. What is the story behind your domain name?

@ligawnakerubin = Ligaw na kerubin = Lost cupid (Dir. Eng. Trans.)

One of my nicknames is Angel, and I tried to come up with something unique out of it. I decided that ‘Angel’ or some kind of wordplay or modification or whatnots of that name should be included in my domain name. I had numerous futile attempts with ‘Angel’ because all of the wordplays or puns I made are so, NO. They were so corny that I almost opted with just ‘Angel’ but I later figured that that’s just lazy and uncreative. And then I thought of Greek & Roman Gods/Goddesses, because there’s just a 3rd Yr. English book lying there open near me, while I’m in my weird, brainstorm pose. There is a Psyche & Cupid tale there, and I thought, ‘Hey! Why not, right?’ And so I have Cupid, being the Roman god of desire and affection, portrayed as an angel with his iconic bow and arrow. I had second thoughts, because his passionate depiction doesn’t quite ring true to me. I’m not a dreamy, match-maker either. But Cupid/Eros and I are both great believers of love. And I thought, well, maybe love should be enough. Cupid in Filipino translation is Kerubin, and so I have Kerubin. I thought I should add something.

Ligaw is lost in English translation. During the initial design of this blog, I feel like I I’ve lost my sense of direction again. I felt lost multiple times in my life, and Bawat Daan by Ebe Dancel has been my favorite alleviating anthem. I take comfort in the message of the song that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who’s lost. Placing ligaw in my domain name means that I’m OK with being lost from time to time.

So, long story short, @ligawnakerubin is basically one of the many people who genuinely believe in the power of love (huh, sappy, I know) and she also happens to be one of the many people who are unashamed and OK to admit that they’re occasionally lost.

  1. What is your MBTI Personality Test Result? How does it affect you as a person?

 I’ve taken a lot of the variations of the MBTI test, and almost every time, I test as INFJ. Sometimes I test as INFP/ENFJ, but I circle back always to INFJ. Although I’ve researched that MBTI is quite flimsy because it didn’t have enough foundation to support it, I still acknowledge the fact that MBTI is indeed very helpful in understanding basic behavior patterns and personalities of people.

Here is a brief description of the INFJ personality type:

INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

Source: https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

I was amazed many times by the accuracy of most of the descriptions on INFJ. I was amazed by how true it speaks for me. The descriptions just translated my thoughts about my personality, into words, that I initially found difficult to articulate. For more than a decade of my existence, I’ve always noticed how different and sometimes ‘off’ my personality is compared to other people. Most people just perfectly fit into this particular personality, and I found it difficult to fit myself into anything. Maybe part of it is because I refuse to place myself anywhere. This INFJ Paradox really hits the jackpot:

While the INFJ values sharing deep bonds with people, they often struggle with opening up themselves. So even though they are the person who will coax the truth out of others, they are intensely guarded about their own emotions. The INFJ wants to bond with others but may struggle to truly do so. They hide parts of themselves out of the fear of being judged or misunderstood. They understood others very easily, but struggle with sharing themselves completely with people. The INFJ wants to be understood, but often fears what it will mean if they open up to people.

Source: http://personalitygrowth.com/the-truth-behind-the-infj-paradox-explained/

Discovering my MBTI personality type made me appreciate who I am. I still catch those self-depreciating thoughts every now and then but they come even rarely now, because I’ve learned that I have to love myself, in order to genuinely give the love I wanted to share with others. MBTI helped me, most essentially, to understand and appreciate the people around me. I’ve understood that people are different and their personalities are diverse, but this does not mean that we should create barriers. This may be a hasty generalization, but I love quoting it: Diversity is beautiful. MBTI just gave me a lot of points to support this.

  1. What is your meaning of life?

Life, for me, is loving. It all falls down to this notion that we should really love in order to really live. What makes us wake up? Love. What makes us hold on to living? Love. You really know you’re alive when you love yourself and you love other people, as well.

  1. What is your favorite memory?

Oh, this is too hard to answer. I have a lot of favorites. I can’t really articulate all of those memories that I love all at once now, as much as I want to. Plus, I might be saving those memories for future blog posts. Hehe, sorry buddy.

  1. What is your passion?

I can’t think of only one, because there are lots of things that I genuinely love to do.  But, in general, I think learning is my passion. I’m passionate about learning about other people, the latest news, different viewpoints, musical instruments, art, writing, languages, culture, food, self-expression, etc., etc. I have like, 12 tabs on my screen right now, and each displays distinctive contents that I’m currently interested in. It’s hard for me to center most of my attention on one thing or two, because I get bored too easily. I wish I could hack my brain into a singular thought right now. I can bring myself to focus into one, of course. It’s just very difficult for me to do it, and it requires a myriad of shenanigans and rituals like taking a bath first, listening to a full Regina Spektor or Coldplay or Ebe Dancel album, and then eating powdered cocoa, before doing anything else. So yeah, I love learning. Learning is very easy now, especially if you have a good Internet connection. You can watch a flute tutorial on YouTube in one tab, read an interesting psychology-based article in another, play Duolingo in another, chat with friends on Facebook in the next, scroll WordPress in another, watch a movie in Rainierland, listen to a local indie band, create pictures in Canva, etc., etc.

  1. If the world suddenly paused just to listen to you—what would be your message to the world?

Ehem. Ehem. Friends, family, countrymen, I’m here to deliver you an important message.

Stop being so discriminating and unreasonable. Stop making other people feel less human that they actually are, just because they’re different from what you’re accustomed to. Make some sense out of: “We’re all equal.” And just LOVE. Oh, and also, there are lots of people around you who need at least a 5 second hug. You are required to attend to those people.

I nominate:

Life As A Bipolar Artist

Dear, Jhoanna

Distortedtales

emotionsoflife2016

AnneGandaMo

Seekersportal

shairamaec

And my questions are:

  1. What are your core values? How do you transform those values into action?
  2. What is/are your favorite book/s? What make/s it/them a favorite?
  3. Aside from writing, what do you like doing best in life?
  4. Who inspire you the most, at this moment?
  5. Are you a hopeless romantic or a realist? Why do you think you fall under this label?
  6. Which artist do you listen to the most? What do you like about him/her/them, or his/her music?
  7. What is your course/profession? Where are you studying/working? Do you feel like you are heading to the proper direction?

The Great Phone Purge II: Memo Entries on Life

B. Memo Entries!

Gustong-gusto ko ‘tong i-share dahil feeling ko (feeling ko lang naman), matutulungan ka nito ngayong araw o sa mga araw na kakailanganin mo. Binura ko na itong mga ‘to sa phone dahil napagtanto ko na para lang talaga sa mga agendas ang Memo app, dahil may malaking posibilidad na may manghalungkat sa phone mo, at mabuking ang mga bagay na para sa’yo lang talaga, kung ginawa mong personal diary ang Memo. Nagwork ang mga self-talk na ‘to para sa ‘kin at nakatatak pa rin sa isip ko kahit nabura ko na. Hopefully makatulong din sa’yo.

  1. Wake up early! Everyday. Kahit Sunday. Be productive! Widen your intellectual scopes. Don’t be lazy. If you don’t get up right after the alarm rings off, I hereby declare that you are an absolute loser and you deserve nothing. 1/22/16, Friday 22h48
  2. When there is the opportunity, grab it! Do not be content with monotony. Do not let the passiveness of the people around you, pull you down. You’re helluva awesome! Be proactive! 1/22/16, Friday 22h56
  3. Sila ‘yun girl, OK? Huwag mong ikumpara yung sarili mo sa iba. Maloloka ka lang nang sobra. Love yourself. 3/29/16, Tues. 21h14
  4. Awesome ka, uy! Tandaan mo ‘yan! 3/29/16, Tuesday 21h15
  5. Hindi lahat ng hardwork may kapalit. ‘Yan ang buhay. 3/29/16, Tuesday 21h16
  6. This is life. And life is harsh. 3/29/16, Tuesday 21h16
  7. Don’t be too attached to results. You are not those fucking results. . 3/29/16, Tuesday 21h17
  8. Quality > Quantity. Know your REAL friends. 3/29/16, Tuesday 21h22
  9. You don’t need a significant other. You don’t need someone to complete you. You need to help this country and its people. 4/01/16, Friday 23h22
  10. You don’t have to prove yourself every time. Hindi naman nila hawak yung buhay mo. Ikaw lang ang may hawak niyan. Assholes lang ang magde-demand ng explanation kung bakit ganyan ang lifestyle mo o kung bakit ganyan ang personality mo. Ano bang pake nila sa buhay mo, kung di ka naman din nila kaibigan? 5/20/2016, Friday 7h23
  11. Door slam assholes. Unfriend. Unfollow. You can’t really be friends with everyone. 5/20/2016, Friday 7h23
  12. Have your own life. Hindi yung dinedepende mo yung pag-galaw ng mundo mo in relation sa mga taong nakapaligid sa’yo. Importante ‘to, sa’yo, especially, dahil bata ka pa. 5/20/2016, Friday 8h10
  13. Just be in the moment. Life is fleeting. This is it. This is life. It’s OK to dream, but just snap out of delusions kapag nanu-neutralize na nito yung real life mo, pati na rin yung relationships mo. Mahaba-habang discussion pa yung tinutukoy kong ‘real.’ But you get my point. Just be in the moment. Please. . 5/20/2016, Friday 0h00

To be continued, for sure.

The Great Phone Purge I

Kanina lang, hinahalungkat ko ‘yung phone ko para magbura ng kung anu-anong files dahil sobrang dami na kasi. Sobrang nakaka-overwhelm yung dami. Sobrang nakaka-agit. Kailangan kong magbura kahit medyo masakit, tapos yung mga kailangan ko pang burahin ay yung mga files na sobrang laki ng MB, ang daming kinukuhang space. Yun na pa yung mga files na medyong napamahal sa’kin kasi well, madaming laman. Pero, grabe, ang sarap pala sa pakiramdam ‘pag nagde-delete ka. Parang tinae ko lang ‘yung sobrang dumi na kinikimkim-kimkim ko nang pitong oras dahil ayaw kong dumumi sa pampublikong lugar, dahil masyado akong ma-pride. Charot.  Tinira ko lang yung mga nakaw pics/ screenshots ng pamilya ko at mga kaibigan ko, pati na rin yung mga lol conversations namin sa chat. Nagtira din ako ng mga timeless quotes about humanity, MBTI, equality etc.,etc. Pati na yung mga funny, and cute pics/videos ng cats at kung anu-ano pang kahayupan, tinira ko na rin. At siyempre yung EBooks (fiction/nonfiction), my babies of escapism.

Ito pala yung ilan sa mga binura ko, para at least, in this way, maalala ko sila, dahil medyo na-aattach naman ako sa kanila kahit papano. ‘Di ko na lang iaattach yung files dahil sobrang nakakahiya, at saka baka mabuking ako. Lol.

A. Screenshots / Pictures / Videos

  1. Screenshots ng mga kalandian – texts, chats, at birthday greetings ng mga naging crush ko, mga Facebook status at posts nila na nagpa-inspire naman sa ‘kin kahit papa’no. Idadagdag ko na rin pala dito yung mga cheesy romantic quotes na ini-screenshot ko nung mga 12 years old pa ko. Lol. Ganun na katanda yung memory card ko. At ganun din ako katopakin nun.
  2. ‘Philosophical’ screenshots – eto yung mga screenshots na nagdalawang-isip pa ko burahin. In the end, mga 2 or 3 lang ata yung mga nabura ko, dahil na realize ko lang na napaka-fallacious pala ng mga quotations na yun. At na-realize ko din na there’s nothing philosophical in it all. Mga Facebook/Reddit/Tumblr posts yun na nakita ko lang randomly sa feed. One or 2 years ago na ‘yun, at one or two years ago, pretentious pa ‘ko, at sobrang bata mag-isip kaya, well.
  3. Beastmode Screenshots – eto yung mga rant post sa kasagsagan ng campaign at sa Pilipinas, in general i.e laglag bala, bigas hindi bala (!), haggard campaign season, Daniel, Sandro, Purisima, P-Noy, rape jokes, Napoles, scam, money laundering, K-12, neoliberalism, Lumads, summary executions, Marcos, Davao Death Squad, Never again, etc, etc.. Pati na rin pala sa mundo i.e Zika, Trump, Paris attacks, Brussels attacks, Syria, China (!), North Korea, terrorism, ISIS, terrorism, ISIS, terrorism, ISIS, terrorism. ‘Di ko binura lahat, dahil sobrang memorable talaga, at baka kailanganin ko in case na makalimutan ko naman yung mga nangyari. Parang farce na lang yung history repeats itself.
  4. Chords/ Lyrics Screenshots – ‘eto yung mga chords/lyrics ng mga kanta na minsan ng naging mainstream, pero na-realize ko na di talaga ko pang-mainstream na tao, dahil hindi ko talaga ma-appreciate yung karamihan sa mga mainstream songs, although maganda naman yung iba. Kinailangan ko lang talaga hanapin yung ibang mainstream songs, para hindi mukhang nagmi-miss out ako sa trends. Oh diba, sobrang pretentious.
  5. Acads Screenshots – kinuha nito yung karamihan sa space ng gallery ko. Ganun ata ako ka-GC. Enough said. Burado na siya lahat. Tapos na, please, ayoko na siyang balikan.
  6. Mga Walang Kwentang Quotes – ‘yung mga quotes na “Time is gold” lang yung datingan. Sobrang cliched na at paulit-ulit ko nang naririnig at di ko alam kung anong sumagi sa isip ko at naisipan ko pa ‘yun i-save. Pero gaya ng sinasabi ko kanina, topakin pa ko nun, so, well. Topakin pa rin naman ako ngayon, pero mas topakin talaga dati.
  7. Stolen Pics – stolen pics ng mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko. What. Lol. Siyempre kaunti lang yung binura ko, kasi ‘pag nagbubura ko ng pics nila parang binubura ko na sila sa buhay ko. Ayoko naman yun kasi importante nga kasi sila. Yung mga haggard at stressed pics binura ko na, dahil gusto ko mukha silang candidly fresh sa memory ko hahaha.

So much for that! ‘Di ko na maalala yung ibang bagay na binura ko. Siguro di naman sila gunun kaimportante. Or not. Ia-update ko na lang ‘to in case na may maalala akong importanteng bagay na nakalimutan kong isulat.