I haven’t been writing for a long time. They say that one should write, only when creativity or inspiration comes. It might not be true for me. I’m always inspired by people & places everywhere. Almost everything excites me. Almost everything seems to be so full of beauty. However, still, I am not writing as much as I expect myself to be. I’m afraid that I’m losing touch with myself that’s why I am not able to write anything that may make some sense. Perhaps I’ve been focusing my all externally, too much, that there’s not much room or time to think deeply by myself. I wonder why I can’t reflect properly anymore, even when I’m alone and there’s no distraction. It seems that I always try to distract myself so that I don’t have to think about a lot of things. I’m always afraid that if I do, I might overthink it, and destroy myself in the process. Overthinking has always been a nasty experience for me. It triggers a lot of insecurities in me. Smiling and laughing becomes harder when all insecurities start to surface. I hate it when this happens, because it’s uncomfortable when I’m aware that I might be sharing negative feelings to the people around me because of the nasty emotions that I’m feeling. By avoiding overthinking, I’m forgetting to reflect on things. And so, days become so meaningless and empty.
I’m writing now because I have a lot of free time today, and I don’t want to waste it by engaging in vicarious activities again. Also, our discussion in EDFD 120 under Prof. Diaz made me think about these things. I’ve been thinking about these since Wednesday, which is our first day in EDFD 120. I have to translate these thoughts into writing because I don’t want this to be just another idea that would just float around my head. It would slip away, soon, for certain.
In our discussion, we talked about how one becomes wiser not because of experiences, but how much he reflects on these experiences. Every experience should leave a mark, a lesson, and a promise to not make the same mistakes again. Most essentially, thinking about these takeaways would help us to be better people who makes better decisions. That would show that we’ve really learned from the experiences that we’ve gone through, and that those experiences are actually powerful, and meaningful.
And so after that meaningful EDFD 120 discussion, I told myself that I have to reflect about many things again. Busy days just come and go, and I’m afraid that I’ve only learned a few from these experiences, because I rarely really allow myself to reflect, and think about things. My mindset in the last months is to always look forward, and not look back. The past is in the past, and so I should just move on, and not think about the past too much. This mindset, to be honest, actually works for me. I’m happy in most days except for days that I didn’t get enough sleep the night before. This mindset helped me to have a more optimistic outlook. But, the downside is that I’ve become too happy that even when adversities come, I force myself to be happy and accept things, even when the right thing to do is think about what I can do to overcome those adversities.
With these, I promise myself to make time to reflect again, especially during these times when days go so fast, and there are so much things going on— so many work to do to, faces and names to remember, relationships to keep, people to take care of, and dreams to achieve. I want to be in touch with myself again.
I’m very happy that I’ve finished this piece, in one sitting. Prof. Diaz said that so many millenials get so distracted quickly. I’m very guilty of this! I’m surprised that I managed to avoid many temptations and distractions.
Anyway, if you’re reading this part and you’ve been following my blog for quite some time, I apologize if you’ve spotted grammar mistakes (there’s lots of them) in this post, and my past posts. I never edit my writings before I post them. I just read the pieces that I’ve posted in the past, and I cringed at the many grammar mistakes. I’m too excited to type, and my thoughts just keep flowing, and I don’t want them to go. A lot of mistakes happen because of that. 😂
I also apologize if many things that you’ve read from this blog don’t make sense. I’m not good at making my point across to people, most of the time.
Finally, I know that there’s only a very few of you who is reading my blog, but I thank you anyway! It means so much to me, that someone actually listens(reads) to my whims and drama. I don’t usually go to people to talk about these things. I might be, but only some aspects of it. I’m afraid that I may come across as too intense. Thinking about it, I might actually be too intense to some people. I may look carefree to some, but I’m actually not. Being a true introvert, I like observing things and taking everything in, often intensely, but most people don’t notice it, and that’s a relief. I also don’t like the spotlight to be on me, because I’m innately shy and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. Am I deviating from the what I’m talking about? I don’t even know. My thoughts and hands are on fire.
By the way, I’ve been receiving many messages from people who wanted to cite my research on OPM that I posted. I’m glad that you’ve found that helpful, and thank you for your intentions to cite. I feel like a legit researcher, even when I’m not.
I have to stop. I have been writing for more than an hour straight, believe it or not. If you’ve reached this point, thank you so much for reading! Keep shining. 🙂