On Reflection

I haven’t been writing for a long time. They say that one should write, only when creativity or inspiration comes. It might not be true for me. I’m always inspired by people & places everywhere. Almost everything excites me. Almost everything seems to be so full of beauty. However, still, I am not writing as much as I expect myself to be. I’m afraid that I’m losing touch with myself that’s why I am not able to write anything that may make some sense. Perhaps I’ve been focusing my all externally, too much, that there’s not much room or time to think deeply by myself. I wonder why I can’t reflect properly anymore, even when I’m alone and there’s no distraction. It seems that I always try to distract myself so that I don’t have to think about a lot of things. I’m always afraid that if I do, I might overthink it, and destroy myself in the process. Overthinking has always been a nasty experience for me. It triggers a lot of insecurities in me. Smiling and laughing becomes harder when all insecurities start to surface. I hate it when this happens, because it’s uncomfortable when I’m aware that I might be sharing negative feelings to the people around me because of the nasty emotions that I’m feeling. By avoiding overthinking, I’m forgetting to reflect on things. And so, days become so meaningless and empty.

I’m writing now because I have a lot of free time today, and I don’t want to waste it by engaging in vicarious activities again. Also, our discussion in EDFD 120 under Prof. Diaz made me think about these things. I’ve been thinking about these since Wednesday, which is our first day in EDFD 120. I have to translate these thoughts into writing because I don’t want this to be just another idea that would just float around my head. It would slip away, soon, for certain.

In our discussion, we talked about how one becomes wiser not because of experiences, but how much he reflects on these experiences. Every experience should leave a mark, a lesson, and a promise to not make the same mistakes again. Most essentially, thinking about these takeaways would help us to be better people who makes better decisions. That would show that we’ve really learned from the experiences that we’ve gone through, and that those experiences are actually powerful, and meaningful.

And so after that meaningful EDFD 120 discussion, I told myself that I have to reflect about many things again. Busy days just come and go, and I’m afraid that I’ve only learned a few from these experiences, because I rarely really allow myself to reflect, and think about things. My mindset in the last months is to always look forward, and not look back. The past is in the past, and so I should just move on, and not think about the past too much. This mindset, to be honest, actually works for me. I’m happy in most days except for days that I didn’t get enough sleep the night before. This mindset helped me to have a more optimistic outlook. But, the downside is that I’ve become too happy that even when adversities come, I force myself to be happy and accept things, even when the right thing to do is think about what I can do to overcome those adversities.

With these, I promise myself to make time to reflect again, especially during these times when days go so fast, and there are so much things going on— so many work to do to, faces and names to remember, relationships to keep, people to take care of, and dreams to achieve. I want to be in touch with myself again.

I’m very happy that I’ve finished this piece, in one sitting. Prof. Diaz said that so many millenials get so distracted quickly. I’m very guilty of this! I’m surprised that I managed to avoid many temptations and distractions.

Anyway, if you’re reading this part and you’ve been following my blog for quite some time, I apologize if you’ve spotted grammar mistakes (there’s lots of them) in this post, and my past posts. I never edit my writings before I post them. I just read the pieces that I’ve posted in the past, and I cringed at the many grammar mistakes. I’m too excited to type, and my thoughts just keep flowing, and I don’t want them to go. A lot of mistakes happen because of that. 😂

I also apologize if many things that you’ve read from this blog don’t make sense. I’m not good at making my point across to people, most of the time.

Finally, I know that there’s only a very few of you who is reading my blog, but I thank you anyway! It means so much to me, that someone actually listens(reads) to my whims and drama. I don’t usually go to people to talk about these things. I might be, but only some aspects of it. I’m afraid that I may come across as too intense. Thinking about it, I might actually be too intense to some people. I may look carefree to some, but I’m actually not. Being a true introvert, I like observing things and taking everything in, often intensely, but most people don’t notice it, and that’s a relief. I also don’t like the spotlight to be on me, because I’m innately shy and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. Am I deviating from the what I’m talking about? I don’t even know. My thoughts and hands are on fire.

By the way, I’ve been receiving many messages from people who wanted to cite my research on OPM that I posted. I’m glad that you’ve found that helpful, and thank you for your intentions to cite. I feel like a legit researcher, even when I’m not.

I have to stop. I have been writing for more than an hour straight, believe it or not. If you’ve reached this point, thank you so much for reading! Keep shining. 🙂

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Through the night

Stars begin to blanket the heavens as I look
And then the wind kisses me gently, and pulls me in his embrace
But then rain drops start to tickle my hair, carefully, then forcefully
So the stars slowly pave their way out into the darkness again, leaving the heavens weeping more than ever
The wind kept me in his arms and promises to never leave
But he does anyway, after some time, just like the stars
And so I’m left soaking wet, and cold
Without the wind to embrace me
Without the stars to cover the dark
Hours and hours have gone by
But the stars never showed
It was always the wind
And the rain
I’ve missed the wind, but I’ve already fallen in love with the stars
And so I’d keep on waiting
Until the stars shine for me again.

Don’t you?

Don’t you think that it’s wrong?
To pull the trigger when you and I knew that it’s not yet over?

Don’t you think that it’s wrong?
To weep for someone who has been hurting you whenever?

Don’t you think that it’s wrong?
To make vows with someone when you knew that you and I should be together?

Don’t you think that it’s wrong?
To give your body to someone when you know that I’m better?

Don’t you think that it’s wrong?
Don’t you?

Don’t you think that it’s wrong?
To love someone so much, but he can’t seem to remember?

Hey, friend

I see that you’re crying over him again
Have you ever looked at yourself, for once?
I know you do,
But don’t you think that you’ve been crying too much?
And that it’s time to say goodbye to the memories that he left?

You’ve been happy with him,
And you’ve always believed that he does, too
He was happy, too, believe me.
Everything you believed just seemed wrong when you’re sad, because he left.

It’s time, you know?

To that

What, really, have I been looking for? I’ve been searching, and searching, but none of what I wanted has been constant. I would want one thing, or one person, pursue them for days, even up to a year, think of them over and over again, finding ways on how I can get them, and mulling over if I ever would, or should I stop or not. But then, I would change my mind, because thinking of them has been a burden. Why would one keep something in her head if it doesn’t work? Or if she has been waiting, and wanting for it for a long time, but no signs lead to that place that she has been longing to go to for a long time? That thing that she has always wanted to own? And so, I change my mind, in the hopes that these things and people that I’m pursuing would lead me somewhere. It probably would not, but what would I lose in believing?

Looking for something real

Maybe it’s time to open my heart again. I haven’t been truly reaching out to anyone for a long time. 5 years to be exact. I’m just so afraid of being rejected, of being unloved, of being hated. All this time, I’ve believed that not allowing myself to truly attach with anyone is good. No drama. No disappointments. Little did I know that this also means no real growth. And an empty heart.

Perhaps I’ve been lying most of my life. We talk. We exchange endless banters, but only a few has truly been meaningful to me. This time, I want everything to be meaningful. I want to be my young self again, back when I was still rapt in awe with everything in life. Back when I still search for meaning in everything.

I’m sorry that I’ve rejected so many people who’ve offered me love, and time. It’s a pity for me to reject you. It’s a pity to reject love, and life.

It’s time for me to embrace everything, and just go with it. It’s a shame that I loved the old
classic, “Carpe diem,” but really, I haven’t truly translated them in action.

Truly. Truly. I have used this word too much in this piece. But that’s what we all want, right? We want things real. We want things true. And true things come if we can just be true with ourselves and everything that we feel. And that would happen if we open our hearts. I choose to open my heart.

Tell Me

It’s been over a year already, but the way you looked at me is still etched on my mind
I sometimes get scared that I might forget you so I always take a minute at your street whenever I pass by
Wishing that you’d be there, standing, waiting and wanting to talk.

I sometimes wish that you’re not in love with her
That you don’t sleep with her every night
That she kisses your lips and hands, and every point of your body that I’ve always longed to touch
That she had a baby with you
And that you’d probably want to settle down soon.
With her.

You have everything but you don’t seem to be happy,
Tell me, are you?
Or am I just seeing things because I love you?